The Archives: Continued

Tony at England found us via search engine and writes on Sunday, 29-Dec-02 11:40:47 EST:
I studied Ketsugo in the 1940's & 50's when it was still a substantially unknown martial art. I studied in China and practised regularly until 1978 when ill health forced me to stop. On at least five ocassions it saved my life in seriously bad situations in various parts of the world. The most important thing that Ketsugo gives is a supreme self confidence that allows you to stand up to thuggery wherever it occurs. Many times I have intervened when a member of the public was being threatened and found that the very action of interfering often caused the antagonist to walk away - no longer sure of their position. I am now well advanced in age, and just happened to be glancing through a search engine when I saw the name Ketsugo. The FIRST time I had ever seen reference to it outside China.

Tony

Editor's reply: It is a pleasure and an inspiration to hear from a veteran Ketsugo practitioner such as yourself. Indeed, this martial art is a great deterrent! The agents of T.I.L.E., all trained in Ketsugo, rarely see the need to carry firearms.
Jasper P Humming at Boston, New York, Texas, found us via intercepted communication and writes on Tuesday, 17-Sep-02 06:15:58 EDT:
Dear Sir,
Has Kitty gone blonde? There seems to be a picture of her on your fronthomepage with a blonde bob. Speaking as a blond of long standing this has come as quite a shock. In my view it takes quite a lot to be a blond. I know that Kitty is a woman of many talents, but has she really got what it takes to be a blonde?
Editor's reply: The rigors of her profession demand that Miss du Mont be a woman of many guises and hairstyles. Even so, it is unlikely that she has permanently "gone blonde," though she rigorously studied blond culture to prepare for the transformation, undergoing intensive screenings of the entire oeuvres of Carole Lombard and Marilyn Monroe, as well as such pivotal hair-coloring films as Vertigo and Modesty Blaise. Last but not least, Kitty has some blond Dutch ancestry to draw on, via her connection to the van Bilt-Rites of New York and Palm Beach.
Ellebatsir K. Lobotomy (Mrs.) a Former Agent, née carnival thug, found us via anonymous tip and writes on Monday, 02-Sep-02 20:27:45 EDT:
I have been trying to play the spoons, as a means to communicate my findings to my superiors.
My problem is that the spoons are not very loud, and I am playing them on a crushed velvet doilly that my Aunt has been using as a placemat.

What can I do to improve my spoon playing?
I reckon they are out of tune on rainy days, as they are commemorative teaspoons, the kind you get at the Tower of London...Franklin Mint spoons are especially good for quick communiqués.

Persona non Grata,
Ellebatsir K. Lobotomy

Editor's reply: It seems your problem is not in your spoons or in yourself, but in the lack of a suitable amplifier. Kitty du Mont had a similar problem while working undercover in the Far East with a chopstick code. She suggests playing the spoons near the fireplace with the flue open; the chimney should act as a wonderful resonator. If you still have difficulty, call your local colorful Cockney chimney sweep.
Vosper Thornycroft KBE at MI6 - In the field found us via interrogation and writes on Tuesday, 13-Aug-02 04:35:08 EDT:
Dear Kitty, I have been a double agent working undercover as a woman for some time. During this assignment I have used many of your hair-styling tips. I will soon return to my desk in London and resume life as a man. Do you have any hairstyle tips for men? I would be very keen to discover Mr X's grooming routine. Yours as ever, Vosp
Editor's reply: Kitty sends her congratulations on your long overdue knighthood, Sir Vosper. While we aren't planning a men's grooming feature at the moment, we can share a little secret from Mr. X: always go to a barber who's been in business in the same location for at least 70 years. They're the only reliable ones.
Jimmy Byrd Leggs at Fred Astaire Dance Studios, wont_dance@dont.ask.me.com found us via anonymous tip and writes on Sunday, 11-Aug-02 18:18:58 EDT:
I feel that I am in the midst of a Hitchcockian nightmare. It started last week. On my way home from school I was assaulted by two small hasidic boys throwing rocks. This was followed by being tripped by a woman playing mah jongg at the cabana club, and knocked down by two women with shawls covering their heads, hurling Rokeach barley soup cans (K) at me in the local supermarket. They are everywhere. Right now they have congregated in my front yard, on my rooftop (without fiddles), and are surrounding me. I am afraid they will force their way in using their baby carriages as battering rams. It's very quiet but I know what's coming......... I am trying to tango with my life partner to forget my cares and woes, but it's impossible. I'm a goner. Please h
Editor's Reply: We consulted with Israel Bond (a.k.a. Agent Oy-Oy-Seven), who is familiar with this type of problem. He suggested discarding the brown shirts and shaving off the Hitler mustache.
Chris Chromosoni found us via double agent and writes on Saturday, 22-Jun-02 20:04:22 EDT:
It's been a long,trying journey, from Timbuktu to Hoboken. Even after arriving back in the USA, I still was finding Mali sand -- in my toothpaste, my undershorts. A grating experience. But I am here now, safely observing Acme Meat Packing operations from my Hoboken hotel window. 'But why?' I have asked. Even the hotel chef shrugged. It's a deep TILE cover, and I can but wait, patiently, as Acme Meat Packing vents odoriferous gray smoke across Hoboken's pristine skyline. 'One day,' I whisper harshly to myself, 'one day -- you will be elevated to F-TATE! Full Tile Agent -- Totally
Editor's Reply: We admire your pluck. Especially in your efforts at the Acme Meat Packing poultry facility. You are certain to go far, as long as you avoid becoming a victim of fowl play.
Mrs Carnaby found us via wiretap and writes on Tuesday, 18-Jun-02 23:19:01 EDT:
Dear Kitty, I have just a few minutes to spare before I jet off to Monte (with Monty), but I had to write to let you know how fab your site is. As an International Playgirl myself, you have nothing but my admiration; the manner in which you combine your double career as undercover spy and style guru is truly inspirational. Having recently lost my husband, Mr Carnaby, in a freak accident (he choked on a cherry in a Tiki bar), I am using the internet to try to find a replacement of a similar calibre to Mr C. As you seem a woman with the 'right connections', I am wondering if you might be able to direct me to some eligible bachelors. Obviously, they need to have homes in both London, Paris and Rio (although I would consent to trading a view of Ipanema Beach for a yacht on the Riviera) and a vast collection of polo-neck sweaters. Can you help? Yours with admiration, Mrs Carnaby
Editor's Reply: We know a certain casino owner in Madrid who's available, though he might be a bit heartsick at the moment. See below.
Agent 69 found us via double agent and writes on Monday, 20-May-02 19:21:10 EDT:
I'm WILDLY IN LOVE with Kitty! It's Love at first sight! When I'm not on a spy mission, I'm a wildly successful casino owner in Madrid. How do I reach Kitty to propose?
Editor's Reply: Miss du Mont is flattered by your declaration. However, she regrets to say that she can't possibly become engaged to anybody, no matter how eligible, because her espionage duties leave her no time to shop for a trousseau. She couldn't bear to shame her fiancé by lacking the proper outfits for attending engagement dinners, interviewing caterers, boarding the honeymoon flight, etc. etc.
Dorm 5 found us via search engine and writes on Saturday, 13-Apr-02 00:42:53 EDT:
your website is the stupidest thing i have ever seen. is it supposed to be funny? i guess you just have a lot of time to waste.
Editor's Reply: Undoubtedly, this is yet another feeble attempt by G.R.O.U.T. to discredit the T.I.L.E. Truth Cats, as seen in our Animal Psychology section. You masquerade as a scholar, yet your small-minded attempt at intellectual discourse betrays your doctrinaire bitterness. For shame!
marius Linde found us via search engine and writes on Monday, 18-Feb-02 09:09:36 EST:
Question. I would like to know why dogs instinctively curl up in order to protect their abdomen. This is a question from an assignment for Health Psychology. Any information is welcome. thanks
Editor's Reply: It is a devilishly clever defensive posture that prepares the user for offensive moves. In fact, the "crouching dog" gambit is an immensely effective strategy imitated and practiced by masters of Ketsugo, the ancient art of unarmed self-defense. This technique enables the dog (or Ketsugo Master) to remain in a position of apparent repose, even submission, while actually poised for a killing leap. This is the origin of the phrase "let sleeping dogs lie."
Paul found us via search engine and writes on Thursday, 24-Jan-02 10:40:37 EST:
We are trying to match a tile that was sold and installed by New York Carpet World (now out of business) in Rhode Island. It is a Cerdomus tile called Grand Rustic.The invoice gives the number 1217/001. It is a terra cotta color with bluish/grey running through it - approx. 13" X 13". Is this something you have or know where I can find?.......Paul
Editor's Reply: The message has been received by the appropriate party. You will be contacted soon. Fear not, the loss of New York Carpet World will be avenged.