The Archives: Continued

T.I.L.E. Ahhh.......yes,your removal of the 'jazz threat'was indeed a clever ploy. Most excellent work! From The Friends of Carson Millboo

Miss Kitty--if T.I.L.E. ever needs any help, do not hesitate to contact my secret agent, AGENT 15. I can assure you she is quite reliable, discreet, legs for days, and is quite handy with both samurai swords and crossbows. You can contact her at www.whoisagent15

Dear Ms Kitty, Having enjoyed your site I feel I owe you a debt of gratitude. This debt may, in part, be repaid by bringing your attention to the popular beat-combo 'Goldfrapp'. Their mix of lush 60's strings; cinematic themes; and haunting surreal melodies make them the perfect musical accompaniment to this site. Indeed, the perfect accompaniment to the life of a sophisticate. That's 'Goldfrapp' with a G. Ham

I am extremely alarmed to hear of an enemy agent posing as myself requesting hair style tips! I cannot express enough my deep concern and alarm that the infiltration of my Government's Security Service has penetrated this far. Please ensure the previous communique is dissemenated no further-or the consequenses for both our organisations will be dire in the extreme. Yours V. Thornycroft MBE Agt.100334.3PN MI6 PS In any case I'm sporting a Government regulation 3 inch Bryl Quiff with semi-burlesque layering and see no reason to change.

THIS SITE IS FANTASTIC.... WE NEED TO GET YOU A SITCOM,,,,, REALLY... VERY VERY FUNNY... I CANT STOP LAUGHING.... I'M IN TEARS.... STOP IT ALREADY.... YOU ARE KILLING ME..... HOLD IT.... LET ME GET A TISSUE... OK... THATS BETTER..... REALLY.. YOU HAVE SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL HERE... KEEP GOING.... KUDOSSS.!!!! AGENT DAN P.S. THE ROLL OF TOP SECRET LABELED FILM THAT WAS INTERSEPTED LAST WEEK BY SOME OTHER AGENT WAS MINE.... IF YOU SHOULD COME ACROSS ANY OUTSIDE AGENTS OFFERING IT FOR SALE TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER CAN YOU PLEASE LET ME KNOW.. I'LL PAY ANY PRICE... IT JUST CONTAINS SOME PERSONAL PET SHOTS, YOU KNOW, ! IN THE TUB, WITH CANDLES.. CHAMPAGNE...CALGON,, AND ALL THAT SORT OF STUFF... AGENT DAN :-) THANKS.. AGAIN

THIS IS FANTASTIC..... PLEASE KEEP ME INFORMED OF ALL THE CRITICAL TILE DETAILS... AND I THOUGHT THE NSA WAS GOOD.... WOW!! YOU GOT EM BEAT ALL OVER... AGENT DAN

Dear Kitty, I am greatly indebted to your wisdom on hairstyles. I wear a Dutch boy as often as a Sleek Drape. However, my long period under-cover as a woman is drawing to a close and I will very soon be back in uniform as a man. Can you give me some tips on men's hair fashion? Perhaps you could describe Mr X's hair styling techniques.

World of tile. What sophistication. What beauty. What a site. When we next go to war I hope you're on our side. Visit me: http://www.geocities.com/brisket_uk

i am doing an essay on animals with e.s.p. Do you think you can give me any leads? thank you

De-bug all plastic chandeliers now. Word has it that TILE leader seen West 26th Street NY pretending to shop for serious chandelier form the middle of the previous century. No way. Red communication intercept. Do not wire chandelier as it will not deliver a message but will self destruct. please return bulb to corner trash can in manhattan. Homer device will locate within 6000 miles. Could u meet me at LUCILLES. Enter front door then past a gated door on right. AGENT ORANGE

How can I get in touch with Foodmart International?

This page is very messed up, things of this nature shouldn't be allowed on the internet. I think that the internet is a place for valid research and when people such as yourself places pointless sites like this on the interent, it really distracts my research and the time it takes to get it done. I am making a request that you please take this sight off the internet, so that those of us doing valid research don't have to go around junk sites like yours to get to our information. Thank you very much!! No longer your friend

Editor's Reply: One hates to gloat, but it is heartening to see that T.I.L.E.'s superior science and culture has demoralized yet another G.R.O.U.T. agent to the point of incoherence. Undoubtedly this missive attempts to defame the highly successful T.I.L.E. Truth Cat program. It is a classic case of "sour grapes," especially after G.R.O.U.T.'s dismal failure with its E.S.P. Emu experiments.

do animals think? are there any evidence?

Editor's Reply:There have been several studies over the past few decades that address this very question. In a landmark paper, Byrne (1978) wrote:

Animals think
They're pretty smart.
(Expletive deleted) on the ground
See in the dark.

This just in ...
G.R.O.U.T. has launched a long-range missile carrying the deadly Scrubbing Bubbles warhead. Ground zero, the Northern New Jersey area, is on high alert. ETA 17:00 July 14, 2000.

The area will be sanitized. The area will be sanitized. The area will be sanitized.

Do not panic. Evacuate immediately.

Updates will be posted as they become available.

Issued By:
Dr. Emil Clawfoot, Director, M.I.L.D.E.W.
Milhous Institute for Lies, Disinformation, Euphemisms, & Whoppers

Dear Kitty, I enjoyed the recent new caper very much. As much as I enjoyed the cat suit, the yellow dress was much more flattering. When you are among 5,000-10,000 Neanderthals, you want to be conscious of how you look,particularly when you,re a secret double agent.

I see movie stills all over your site, but my local Blockbuster doesn't have the WOT movie in stock. I also can't find it on the IMDB. I know it exists. Can you give me some information on where I can find it?

Editor's Reply: Media giant Arthur du Mont denies the rumors that he is holding back distribution of World of T.I.L.E., the movie, in order to heighten the "buzz." This modern classic, starring Natalie Wood and Sidney Poitier, will be available soon. Lawyers for Mr. du Mont's Worldwide Pictures division are sorting out complex rights and distribution issues brought on by the Internet.

EMITBAFREPUSAROFSKNAHT--YTILATIPSOHNEKOBOHTUOBAYASYEHTTAHWEURTS'TI

Editor's Reply: NIATRETNEOTEVOLEWSSERDNAALUSRUETINEKOBOHWOLLEFEKIL--EMOCLEWYREVERAUOY

Dear Kitty: I don't know if you're aware of a rarely seen half-hour spy-spoof sitcom pilot called "That Gal From S.I.N.K." It clearly owes a huge debt to three of the more popular secret-agent series, "The Girl From U.N.C.L.E.", "Agents of T.I.L.E." and "Get Smart". "That Gal From S.I.N.K." starred Carol Burnett as spoiled, dilettantish, and ultimately incompetent lady spy Bitsy Lamont. This 1968 pilot episode had the gawky, gangly, horse-faced Burnett portraying Bitsy as a femme fatale (in her own eyes only, natch) who spied for an organization known as the Secret Intelligence Network of Kounterspies (yes, that was the level of the humor). Her co-stars were Ted Knight as her immediate supervisor at S.I.N.K., the fussy, humorless, bureaucratic Mr. Featherstone, and Avery Schreiber as "Mommy" (don't ask). The enemy organization on this particular show bears the acronym S.T.A.I.N. (the Special Terrorist Agency of International Notoriety), headed by The Sinister Doctor Ooh. The Sinister Doctor Ooh (he's always referred to by that entire phrase) is played hammily by future "Carol Burnett Show" second banana Harvey Korman in unconvincing Charlie Chan make-up and the most offensive Oriental accent this side of Mickey Rooney in "Breakfast at Tiffany's". The talented Burnett gave the overly broad, derivative material that she had foisted upon her by the writers the ol' college try, and although the comedienne delivers her lines quite ably, including her catchphrase-that-never-was, "I always get my...[pause]...man," this show was clearly not going to be her vehicle to stardom. Perhaps if this pilot was made a year earlier when the TV world was spy-crazy, it may have found a slot on the CBS fall schedule. Instead, the network later wooed the then-petering-out "Get Smart " over from NBC. Trivia Corner: Look very closely during the casino scene and you'll see a very young Farrah Fawcett as the cigarette girl.

Dear Kitty It has been known that cats posess E.S.P for thousands of years. Try researching Egyptian mythology, and you will find information on why the cat was worshiped. Like you, the ancient Egyptians tryed to catagorize the act. They made some moderade discoveries, that are worth attention. But if you really want information on the cat and E.S.P, research modern day paganism. The modern day WICCIAN order has a lot of information about cats. Cats are the only living thing that can cross a nutral energy field. Do you think that kind of thing goes unnoticed? Modern Druids and WICCIANS spend many hours writing down their discoveries on cat E.S.P, contact a WICCIAN, or the general pagan society, they will be sure to help you. Continue with your research, your science is proving what many of us have know for a long time! James Kerr

Your web site is OK. However, I have a very urgent and (for me)important question: where and how is described what the animals do and feel during the solar eclipse. I need just only a short, reliable, scientific description including the name of its source. Darie M. Prague, Czech republic

Editor's Reply: Studies of the T.I.L.E. Truth Cats during a solar eclipse show a tendency to get underfoot and yowl excitedly at their human guardians in an attempt to convince the humans to feed them. Apparently the cats became convinced that the eclipse was actually dusk, which is their dinnertime. Cats are very scrupulous about being fed on time, but unfortunately they seem overly reliant on the sun as their "clock!" (For more information about T.I.L.E. animal psychology research, click here.)

websurfing at work, i was just looking for some information about animal psychology--something that interests me greatly. and somehow your fascinating site appeared as a link in the search engine. the information a.p. information you provide is absolutely invaluable... i was intrigued by a photo taken from the terrace patio or roof of a bldg. in the travel section. supposed to be the Far East. it looked like albuquerque, s.f. or los angeles to me. since i live in new york city my eyes mist over when i see images of mountains not to far away from apartment windows. ...and then i noticed the wfmu link, and i noticed my friend gaylord fields appearing all over the site. and i thought to myself what a small world this is... pretty site you've got here. i like it. thanks lisa

Editor's reply: We are glad to see that you found our Animal Psychology article so informative. We notice that you made a common mistake, however, in assuming that Mr. X is actually WFMU DJ Gaylord Fields. As Kitty points out in an exclusive interview, Mr. X is really much taller than Mr. Fields. The photo of Kitty on a roof was indeed taken in a port city of Southeast Asia. She was posing as a washerwoman in her mission to crack a nefarious G.R.O.U.T. operation involving opium-tainted fortune cookies. The entire case file will be posted in the near future!

Dear editrix: How can I obtain back issues of Mahogany? I'm looking for the number which features the incredible Jimmy Smith demonstrating some ketsugo moves to Ramsey Lewis. As I recall Amiri Baraka is on the cover. As an unrelated aside: I have tried every known cryptanalysis technique on the message below and I have reached the conclusion that it is not in code. The writer is in fact quite mad. yours mysteriously, TMFN

Editor's reply: We are always glad to help our friends at N.A.F.F. We remember that issue of Mahogany very well; it also included "Papa Doc" Duvalier's favorite barbecue recipes. You may order back issues of this and any du Mont magazine through the publisher's Subscription Department. (No need to worry about the message below. Our Dr. Vetchling, an expert in psychoses, understands the writer's "code." and can steer her in the right direction.)