The Archives: Conclusion

I recently heard about animal psychology. I am about to graduate from high school and have decided that I want to go to school for this job. I would like to be a veterinarian because of how much I love animals, but there is no way I could have an animal die in front of me. That's why I would like to study them. If you could, would you please send me some additional information on animal psychology so I can learn more about it?

Thanks, Angela Black

Stephanie found us via anonymous tip and writes on Thursday, 20-Jan-00 20:09:23 EST:

I've been planning on becoming a animal psychologist. Your report on the E.S.P. and cats -- I know that that's a fact because my cats can understand what I am saying and somtimes they even speak to me and sometimes I understand somtimes I dont I really liked your report

Stephany, age 15.75

I wonder what is TILE'S remedy to the imminent bug. If any, let us know.

Editor's reply: Since it is the wrong season for G.R.O.U.T.'s annual attempt to threaten the U.S. with killer bees, we assume the "bug" you are referring to is the computer bug code-named "Y2K". Rest assured that T.I.L.E.'s scientists discovered this nefarious plot long ago and have procedures in place to deal with it. (Unfortunately, the plot was not discovered before G.R.O.U.T. had managed to infiltrate numerous computer programming facilities, most notably Microsoft Corp., and instill a mentality that stupidly ignored the coming date change.) T.I.L.E. has worked with various governments to make their computers less vulnerable to possible disruption. There is no danger of civilization being thrown back into the Stone Age; at worst, perhaps a few places will experience a few supply shortages for a short while. For personal computer users, Mr. X advises buying an Apple to avoid the entire mess.

Agents and Aladies of T.I.L.E. : Harken to me. You will receive presently in the US mails a seemingly innocent invitation to a holiday party from two beleaguered colleagues of the east. Do NOT repeat NOT dispose of this communication in the standard manner, i.e., mastication. It is printed on self-immolating paper and traces of cordite can lead to a nasty reflux episode. Heed this warning, T.I.L.E.rs, and to all goodniks and baddies in the intelligence community, N.A.F.F. bids you a safe and joyous K.W.A.N.Z.A.A.

Well, well, well. It would seem that the penny has dropped. The situation has progressed to a point that I never expected it to- not in my wildest dreams. When the Planning Branch first hatched this little scheme, I was skeptical- I believe in the Keep It Simple principal. However, everything is proceeding as anticipated- the guard in Syria has been dealt with, the suspected moles have been placed under intense surveillance, and although Mr. Handsome has again escaped from our ambush, he left some vital pieces of information behind. His organization is totally destroyed and he's running scared- a rogue agent out in the cold. And now it would seem that Mr. X is coming. Very well. We will be waiting.

URGENT COMMUNIQUE BEGINS- Miss Du Mont- send help. SCUM has me cornered. I don't know if I'll be able to withstand their torturous ways for a second time- Syria was bad enough! I'm ready with my cyanide death-pill, but obviously hope not to have to use it. I'm going to attempt to fight my way out, but my ammunition supply is pitifully low, I'm weak from loss of blood, and I'm hopelessly outnumbered. I'm ging to try the infamous "Red-Man Chewing Tobacco Gambit", despite the possible ramifications to the local civilian populace- the information I possess cannot fall into the wrong hands! Wish me luck, and send in MR. X if possible. If I don't make it, I have one final request- find Agent P38 and eliminate him! Sammy Handsome- URGENT COMMUNIQUE ENDS

Editor's reply: Miss du Mont sends her assurance that T.I.L.E. moles in SCUM are working hard at their thankless task. They have already saved your life at least once, in fact (you may remember a certain "drunken" guard whom you easily overpowered in Syria). We cannot guarantee absolute safety in your current location, but Mr. X is on his way and T.I.L.E. is closing in on Agent P-38.

Dear caretakers of the Du Mont Estate, Thank you for your kind response. The microfilm is in the fedora with a feather. Please meet me at the tree where the two rivers meet. Come alone.My people will be watching.

The World of Tile influence made clear: http://www.vega.net/calendar.htm

Editor's reply: Indeed, Miss Suzanne Vega has been seen shopping at some of the same exclusive boutiques frequented by Kitty du Mont. And speaking of calendars, watch these pages in the coming weeks for the World of Tile 2000 Calendar! It will be available in both electronic and print form.

Dear Kathleen and Gaylord, I have enjoyed your files very much. Please send the microfilm as per our arrangement. I hope to see you both again soon Sincerely, 00B

Editor's reply: Mr. Bugler may rest assured that we will forward the message to Kathleen and Gaylord, the caretakers of the du Mont beach estate on Long Island who, despite their innocent demeanor as a kindly old couple, are also highly trained secret agents who saw lively service during the Great War and still practice daily Ketsugo exercises.

I say- It's frightfully amusing that Mr. Handsome thinks that this line of communication is open enough to (ahem) "flush-out" my people, but then he feels safe in issuing a progress report on it as if it were secure. Very droll, indeed. It would seem that his lingering amnesia isn't the only side-effect of his time spent as my "guest" in Syria last year. In any case, my dears, I just want it made perfectly clear that my interest is only in fullfilling the orders of the Chairman of the Board for SCUM- which is the elimination of Mr. Handsome. I have no interest whatsoever in T.I.L.E., although my colleagues in G.R.O.U.T. would disagree with that attitude. Cheers!

COMMUNIQUE' BEGINS: The "merde" has hit the fan Mr.X! The Communique of 17 August acheived it's goal- I have flushed out the team of SCUM agents that were surveilling me, waiting for me to make contact with someone in order to verify my identity. Yesterday, I was enjoying a lunch of escargots and roasted garlic washed down with an excellent merlot and engaging in some conversation with an aquaintance whom I'll call Natasha (since that's her name). Prior to the "thaw", Natasha was an opposite number of mine, working for a certain Eastern European country that no longer exists. Just as we were about to order an after-meal cocktail (Campari Soda for her, Vodka Martini for myself)I was paged on the "Red" beeper with a code 2! I made my apologies and raced back to ACECO, where I found a bona-fide "Three Days Of The Condor" Scenario! Drawing my pistol, I cleared out the building and found a note which read: "You are blown- we will find you." It was signed SCUM. I was about to leave the building when I was attacked by a SCUM assassin who had been left behind for the mop up of any stragglers. Thanks to my own training, augmented with a few moves I learned from your excellent article on the Art of Ketsugo, I was quickly able to dispach him.More important, however was his lapel pin- It was a stylized design, beneath which were the letters G.R.O.U.T.! It seems that my arch-nemesis is in cahoots with the arch-nemesis of yourself and the delectable Miss du Mont! I'm on the run but certain that I will smash this section of the ring in short order. I will report ASAP. COMMUNIQUE' ENDS

Dear Kitty, I've enjoyed your intriguing site for quite a while, but wanted to apprise you of something i encountered that may be of interest to you and your attorneys. Being quite the aficionado of the spy-film genre, i recently came across a flick called "Under Cover Agent." I should have been suspicious of the fact that "Under Cover" was two words, because, much to my unmitigated horror, it turned out to be a pornographic movie! What should cause you deep concern is that the two main "actors" played characters who would be familiar to all followers of the exploits of the T.I.L.E. team, but never in "adventures" like these. I'm speaking of a lady spy character named "Clitty Du Mount" and her cohort "Mr. XXX," who toil -- and play! -- for an organization known in the movie as the Special Hierarchical Top-secret Undercover Police Personnel (otherwise known as S.H.T.U.P.P.). To describe more would offend any real lady, so i refrain from sharing more details with you at this time. I surely know that World of Tile would never sanction such smut. Please tell me you have absolutely nothing to do with this garbage, and that you are as outraged as i am. Perhaps this defamation of your good name (or pseudonym in the case of Mr. X) is a disinformation campaign by an enemy organization (G.R.O.U.T. comes to mind). Nonetheless, i will gladly volunteer to become a "field agent" of sorts for T.I.L.E. and sacrifice for the cause and endure another screening if you think it will help.

Editor's reply: Thank you for sending this alert. Rest assured that this crude burlesque parody was most certainly not made with the approval of World of Tile. Legal action has been initiated against the filmmaker, a company calling itself "Global Art Films." We cannot reveal more details at this time, but if deemed necessary, other measures will be taken against the filmmaker's parent organization. We appreciate your offer of assistance and would be interested to hear of any clues you may uncover during subsequent viewings.

COMMUNIQUE' BEGINS: -Finally found you after months of searching. Got a hot tip from an Australian operative who happens to be a collegue, of sorts, to Mr. Steed and Mrs. Peel. -Uncertain I've contacted you before due to residual amnesia caused by the curare/LSD combination used by SCUM during their interrogation of me last year. -No longer operating out of Top Secret underground base near D.C. using U.S. Navy Nuclear Submarines as insertion method for operations in The Carribean and Mediterranean Europe. -Recently gone to ground until the heat blows over- SCUM has apparently placed all operations on hold in order to dedicate their considerable resources to my liquidation. -Currently temporarily assigned to ACECO- Associated Command for the Enforcement of Criminal Eliminations -Living and working undercover in Southwestern United States- please send intel on locations in the Austin/San Antonio area regarding retailers where I can purchase vintage neckties. -Respond at earliest convenience- MOST URGENT COMMUNIQUE' ENDS

I swore I saw a Tile agent selling socks at Gimbel's.

Do you know a good recipe for Tile Fish? I understand that they are very tasty if cooked correctly. Thanks.

Editor's note: World of Tile plans to introduce a recipe section in the Fine Dining department at a future date; it will naturally feature tile fish and other appropriate dishes. In the meantime, we suggest poaching this delightfully delicate sea creature in white wine with a bouquet garni for 10 minutes.

You call yourselves spies?!!! When I wuz young, we had real spies. Spies who didn't collect Fiesta ware. Spies who didn't have to buy their Beatles Boots off a website like www.Beatleboots.co.uk/. Spies who could dance the Hurkey Turkey after a few shots of Christmas cheer. Spies who hung out with Eddie Lawrence not Steve Lawrence.

The enemy is planning to take over, utilizing innocuous-looking half-breed canines. See: http://www.missyplicity.com

What are TILE's plans to counter this effort?

You destroy our jamming device, you think you win? Ha! We have best scientists, we build another. We will destroy T.I.L.E.!

Bonjour!!! I thought I'd take a demi-break from the gratuitous torture of graduate school to bathe myself in the luxury that is the World of Tile. Quelle difference!!! I feel like a jeune fille again!! Merci beaucoup to all agents of tile and glamour!! Put-etre, j'ai une petite suggestion... Of course, it is evident that Mlle. Kitty et Monsieur X (pronounced "eeks")are daring and worldly, but I think that I speak on behalf of the multitudes that would like to see our beloved agents getting more involved in such "extreme" sports as darts, knock-hockey and (of course) bowling. Juste une petite idee... J'adore World of Tile! Au revoir, cheries-- Madame Pal-ie

Greetings! I'm looking for information on the trade show named "World of Tile". We would possibly like to exhibit at this show and I thought I would start searching for information on the web first. Any info you have would be very helpful. Best regards, Shauna

los aventuras de las agentos t.i.l.e. son muy problemas porque no esta tambien muchas nadas muy tiendes, si? Pero, quando muchos hombres aventuras in las estados unidos con los t.i.l.e.s. los damas vengas loco. via con dios, sven y schlomo

I have cracked part of T.I.L.E.'s famous "grout" code: if grout between tile on rightmost upper quadrant of tub wall is not cleaned = Agent Kitty has gone out for cocktail hour grout on left lower quadrant is soiled = Agent Kitty has gone to a fitting. PLEASE help me crack rest of T.I.L.E.!

Monsieur Tile, Faites gaffe. Quittez votre bandeau. Le Vengeur Masque.

You should only know from spies! During WWII we used to hang out on The Bread Line in Moscow and just wait for secrets. We didn't get many, but the pumpernickel was delicious. Agents Kugel and Kishka PS-You look like a lovely girl Kitty. If only you were Jewish. For our nephew.

Dearest Kitty, Please accept this message as my application to become a member of your organization. I want to join others in the fight for freedom the world over, and I just love them gadgets. PS: Is the letter Q taken yet? I want to be Agent Q. Signed, Kristof

My diminshed life has been enhanced by your beautiful website. Thank you oh thank you! love, Mich ps Jamie thinks this site is better than any X-File.

We have Nefta.

Q'Qgtvqm yk Onqune Y.!

Since T.I.L.E. has declassified the records of one of my cases that involved the infiltration of the shady netherworld of "pop" music (see the "For the 'Hi-Fi' Enthusiast" department), I might as well "toot my own horn" a little more and tell this select audience about another kind of "declassified record." A long-playing album of my best musical exploits, titled "'X' Marks the Spot," is now available on Diffusion Arts Records. Being a secret agent means exhibiting a versatility that translates well to the topsy-turvy world of today's grab bag of modern sounds. Thusly, "'X' Marks the Spot" features song stylings in the current musical vernacular: jazz, folk, calypso, and even the modern "discoth*que" style that the teens "dig." It includes such Hit Parade favorites as "Come Spy With Me," "Durazhnik Twist," "Hillbilly Bossa Nova," and the Eurostyle Song Contest Winner "Move Closer to Love (Kitty's Theme)." "'X' Marks the Spot" is available NOW for $2.98 (LP) or $3.98 (stereophonic reel-to-reel) at your local record dealer. Get yours today! Just tell them Mr. X DIDN'T send you.

jirx wq!

qqgtvqm shz kr. z eym lahx kjecs!

qqgtvqm yk uj cvkp yyh!

Great site. Now as I pass through Hoboken on my way to The City, I will wonder where you are. Found you in the Pan Am site. Keep up the good work. I'll be back.

I will forever look to World Of Tile for all my fashion, food, and spy-folly needs. Thank you, Miss Kitty, for providing a place for the modern woman. I often fear I belong in another age, but now I know: World of Tile is NOW. Mr. X is such a dashing figure - if only his true identity could be revealed, sigh.

I was kidnapped as a child. My father, you see, love tile. I, of course, married my captor and now the responsibility rest on me as to acclimate our child to the dangerous allure of tile. But how?

[cc: durazhnik@GROUT.org] The only Web in which you will appear is the one we are preparing for your ensnarement! (That is a good one, boss, no?) Hahahaha!!!

I want glazed, I want table tops, I want sprawling walls of grout-blessed ecstasy!!!!

Ha, Ha, Haaa. Becoming a top TILE agent was a grueling job - glamourous only from the outside -- but we must take the cards delt us by fate as we shape the course of history, making the world a place where one can sip martinis in an elegant manner.

How does one apply to introduce such glamour, style, and excitement to their lives -- to become a T.I.L.E. agent?

Ees not so funy to you eemparsoneat seekret anget. Natasha, gett bombe.

My Dearest Mr. X (and lady companion Kitty): I, Dr. Erno Vetchling, am a world-renowned scientist from the Institute. Nefarious GROUT agents are holding my lovely daughter Oona captive in an undisclosed location. They scheme to force me to conduct evil experiments against my will under threat of harm to her. I hold allegiance to neither GROUT nor TILE, for I am purely a Man of Science. But I do fear for the well-being of my lovely daughter Oona. That is why I beg your help in locating my lovely daughter Oona and securing her safety in time for her appearance in the Miss Hemisphere Pageant. I'm certain that she would find a way to show her gratitude to such a man of bravery. I must take leave now, for I am now working on a device to desalinate the Seven Seas. I shudder to think how it will be employed by my "hosts." Yours, Dr. Erno Vetchling, Scientist

You do not amuse me, Mr. X and your lady friend.