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Dear Kitty: I have a problem of the utmost importance. I mean, the fate of the world is in the balance. Okay, here is the question of questions: Where can I get some of these cat-suits or emmapeelers in a size 16? I have to know or else I shall take out a small country like Germany or France. Thank you for your help. Agent Pride from Woodburn 27-May-00 Dear Agent Pride: Your prayers are answered (as are those of any Germans or French reading these pages)! For the mere price of a round-trip jet flight from Portland to New York, you can have a custom-fitted leather cat-suit just like mine. A more lavish model can be had for just a wee bit more. Where to go? Why, House of Elegance, of course, pet! Dear Kitty: 23-May-00 12:22:09 EDT with this problem: I was wondering if you would know of any jobs I can get for spying. I'm not intelligent or very wealthy. But I can act and steal in the blink of an eye. I was think of joining the CIA but I don't have any college in fact I have not left high school yet (I'm a senior and have 9 days) Any help would be liked. Thank you Love Agent 17, Woodburn, 23-May-00 Dear Agent 17: Undoubtedly you've read about the NATO Reformatory for Juvenile Spies in The Daily Double case file. You may be interested to know that there is a similar institution for training teen-agers eager to help save the Free World: the T.I.L.E. Academy of the Covert Arts and Sciences. Don't let your poor grades discourage you; this school trains several types of operative for many organizations, and the spy world has as much need for quick thievery as it has for brilliant minds. In fact, the Academy has a special Vocational Program for those students who might not have the grades to become a full-fledged agent, but who have specialized talents that may be needed from time to time. The Vocational graduates hold perfectly ordinary day jobs, such as fast-food service, while they await the call to duty. Dear Kitty: I was in your "wonderful" city this past July 4th week visiting my brother who resides in the Jersey City area, in fact not far from the Foodmart International. I shopped there during my stay and to prepare a Louisiana Creole meal for my brother's friends. I did manage to find pretty much what I needed. I also shopped for my business of pre-packaged foods and gift items. I purchased the 3lb. container of cinnamon sticks and also the 3 lb. container of bay leaves, and about 6-12 containers of curry powder. I am in need of purchasing these items along with some others that I definitely use and it is hard to find these items in the bulk for the price I paid. Please forward me the information needed to purchase these items in "LARGE" bulk...I professionally appreciate this information ASAP. Thank You! PS: I must certainly must add...the customer service I received from the Foodmart International staff was "MOST EXCELLENT"!!!!! Creole Chef from Bossier City, Louisiana, 04-Oct-99 Dear Chef: I am gratified to see that you were pleased with the service and prices at Foodmart International. Of course, since Foodmart comprises a special International Trading Zone, it is not subject to import tariffs and is therefore able to offer extremely reasonable prices on exotic goods. Also because it is an agency of the United Nations, the staff receives diplomatic training to ensure that they respect the various customs of Foodmart's international clientele, so they are renowned for their politeness. Foodmart does not sell bulk spices via mail order; that would violate an international treaty. However, I know of two excellent sources, highly recommended by a veteran spice merchant who also happens to be a T.I.L.E. agent. Penzeys Spices in Wisconsin (telephone 800-741-7787, telefax 262-679-7878) sells a world of flavorings: Canadian mustard, Yugoslavian juniper berries, cinnamon from Ceylon, Viet Nam, and Indonesia, and much more in both bulk form and in small jars. Vietnamese cinnamon is also available in chip form direct from the importer, Atlantic Quality Spices (telephone 800-584-0422).
Dear Kitty: You have solved so many complex problems, I'm very surprised this hasn't been brought up to you before. It's a virtually age-less dilema, here at least since the turn of the last century. So, I come to you: Just how DO you get toothpaste back into the tube? PMG from ROME 22-Sep-99 Dear PMG: I am happy to report that Science has recently solved this Dilemma of the Century. The answer lies in an article by Vetchling et al., "Use of Electromagnetic Fields to Reverse Excess Capillary Action of Certain Dental Prophylaxis Agents," published in the journal Small Container Physics (Vol. 18, No. 4). I will not go into detail here, but the researchers have devised a process that takes advantage of the metal content of toothpaste to employ magnets to draw excess toothpaste back into the metal tube. Of course, a popular version of Dr. Vetchling's device is not yet on the market, but I have it on good authority that he is talking with a manufacturer so it won't be long! Dear Kitty: Now that I've moved to the country, I find that I have frequent hankerings for freshly baked things, particularly bread in the shape of a chicken. A bread mold that I purchased for a mere fifty cents at a local tag sale has enabled me to mold many a shapeless wad of dough into a fowl work of art, but I find that I always have excess dough left over. I, not being one to set anything to waste, usually roll the leftover dough into a ball and store it in the freezer. These leftover dough balls are usually too small to be molded on their own, and they become sticky and don't combine well with each other when thawed, and rolling them into breadsticks seems to be...well...reductive! WHAT SHOULD I DO? I just don't have the heart to throw my little dough balls away! I put my heart and soul into every batch of dough, anticipating its miraculous transformation into a whimsically shaped loaf of our most humble yet satisfying form of sustenance...bread! Surely you, Kitty, ever on the ready with an ingenous solution to any sticky problem, can provide me with a solution to my doughy bind! Oh, I know that there is many a woe in this world more deserving of your problem-solving expertise than my collection of frozen dough balls, but any suggestion that you might have would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely, Soul on Ice Dear Soul: Take heart; no problem that stands in the way of better living can be considered insignificant. Seemingly minor difficulties like yours, left to pile up, threaten the security and good taste of the Free World. Luckily, your dough balls need not amass in your freezer like so many Russian missiles. When I am faced with an amount of dough that does not fit my whimsical molds, I look beyond my kitchen for some interesting heat-proof container of a convenient size. I have found that an empty shell casing from a small mortar or bazooka does the trick. The shape is simply a boring cylinder, but this makeshift mold's provenance is what matters. The gang down at T.I.L.E. headquarters simply rave over my "bread bombs," even though they are made from the same dough as my cat-shaped bread or my African mask-shaped bread. If you don't have shell casings, a clay or ceramic flower pot would do. You could decorate the bread with little flower-shaped pats of butter. --K
Help me, Kitty: My problem is a delicate one. Not long ago I found myself grooving with friends in a fabulous casino lounge in spectacular Atlantic City. Swinging enough under normal conditions, but dig who was laying down the sounds that eve: not your typical Borscht Belter or ersatz Celine Dion wannabe, but R&B legends the Treniers! So you know everyone was feeling very mellow, when suddenly Claude T. singled out one of our party (a girl who closely resembles a very sucessful international spy who shall remain nameless.) From the stage he fixed her with the classic hairy eyeball and proceeded to accuse her of being completely BALD and of hiding said cue ball state under a wig. Naturally the young lady laughed it off quite elegantly and the rest of our party chose to pretend as if this unwelcome revelation was all "part of the act." Kitty, should this epiosode end here? Or is there a graceful way of letting our friend know there is nothing shameful in being slick of skull. Her potential chrome dome-ism certainly couldn't make her any less glamorous in our eyes. What should I do?
Felix "The Cat" Leiter Dear Felix: You and Mr. Trenier have stumbled onto something of an espionage trade secret. You would be surprised indeed to know how many lady spies have shorn their natural, luxurious locks to make it easier to change hairdos and hair color at the drop of a hat. In the high-stakes world of espionage, agents must make sacrifices for the sake of security. However, those of us who take razor to skull like to see the bright side: the ability to sport half-a-dozen stylish 'dos in the course of a single day is really an enviable thing! --K
Dear Kitty: Last week, after a typically exhausting strategic planning meeting at the U.N., I stopped by Grand Central Station for a quick spot of polish from my usual shoe-shine boy -- let's call him "Jerry." Foolishly, I was not wearing my own leather oxfords, but instead had on a pair of "special" shoes issued by The Section ... you know, the ones with the classified "extra hardware." "Jerry" was wise enough not to say anything, but I have no doubt that he detected the special features of these shoes, and he's clever enough to put two and two together. So, Kitty, what should I do now? I know that regulations would indicate some fairly harsh measures to ensure "Jerry's" silence. But deuce it all, he's a good kid -- and he gives one hell of a shoe shine.
Tetsujin, Golden, Colorado Dear Tetsujin: You know, it is possible that your "Jerry" is a member of the top-secret Special Shoe-Shine Squad operated by a certain Agency of a certain Western power. (Be assured that I'm not letting the cat out of the bag by mentioning the SSSS; that was, unfortunately, already done by a certain double agent prior to his unfortunate demise. Luckily, all the Other Side knows is that the SSSS exists; they don't even know who runs it.) Anyway, if "Jerry" is in the SSSS, you have nothing to worry about because he will soon contact you to let you know your secrets are safe with him. For security purposes, I can't reveal exactly how he is likely to convey this message, but I would advise you to take a close look at your socks before you send them to the laundry. If "Jerry" isn't a member of the SSSS, you may still be able to get around regulations by slipping him the new Amnesia Pill developed by Dr. Erno Vetchling for T.I.L.E. Inquire about it at your Special Equipment Branch. It is rather expensive, but you can argue that a good shoe-shine is a rare commodity and well worth it. --K
Dear Kitty: Our neighbor is a respectable retired physician from the Orient, always very polite, but lately he has been a problem. Day and night, "Dr. N" makes an ungodly racket in his basement workshop, banging metal, welding, doing who knows what. My husband and I haven't slept well in weeks. I hoped to say something casually about this, but Dr. N never seems to go out. He gets visitors, burly men in some sort of uniform delivering supplies for his work, I suppose. Another disturbing this is that when I peeked through Dr. N's window to see what he was building, I could have sworn it looked like some sort of doomsday device, but I can't be sure. All I know is that I need some sleep! How can I approach him?
Harried Housewife Dear Harried: I suggest you address both problems--getting a good night's sleep and averting possible destruction of the Free World--with an elegantly simple approach. You do not want to put him on the defensive, nor risk committing a faux pas by incorrectly assuming he is an evil genius bent on extortion and mayhem, so the best way to start is to be friendly and find out his side of the story. Dress very prettily and go over to Dr. N's house one afternoon with some homemade sweets; something irresistible like Mousse Monte-Carlo. Engage him in conversation about his hobby. Express a good deal of interest in how rewarding it must be for him, boost his ego by saying how brilliant and dedicated he must be to build a complicated machine. If he is indeed an evil genius, he will surely want to show the thing off to you. Those people cannot resist flattery from attractive members of the opposite sex. For that matter, few men can. If he is innocently building a race-car or something, politely mention the noise problem; by this point he will want to bend over backwards to please you. If he is building a doomsday device, simply call your local espionage organization and ask them to thwart him. Either way, your problem is solved. --K |
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